Another Baby...

(Disclaimer: I am not pregnant! Just wanted to make sure that is loud and clear! :))

I feel very lucky to have found an amazing group of friends in my community. They are all young couples, with one child. Avi and I pretty much fit right in when we first moved here. I love that we get together on the weekends as families,I have playdates with the stay at home mommies during the week, our husbands play softball and basketball together and our kids will grow up together. It has just worked out beautifully.

We all have children that are different ages, ranging from 3 to 3 months. Naturally, the progression would be to start adding on to our familles. So, that is what is happening now. I have quite a few of my friends who are now expecting their second child. (In the process of writing this blog, I got a phone call that another friend is expecting!) I'm thrilled for them, but I can't help but feel a bit jealous.

Leah is 16 months now, I don't think we are in the position for another baby right now (of course, if it happened we would be thrilled). Not only do I think that we are not in the position for another baby, but I don't think that I am emotionally ready for one.

Honestly, I am terrified. I am so afraid of carrying another baby and having something happen to that child. I am so jealous that my pregnant friends don't have these fears. While, I'm certain that they have some fears, they all have typical first children, so now they are pregnant and are blissfully taken to their happy place. I loved being pregnant with Leah (minus the morning, noon and night-sickness), I enjoyed it and was at that happy place. I just don't know if I'll be able to get there with my next pregnancy. I can only imagine that my fears would get the best of me. I find some comfort in knowing that I will be high-risk and monitored closely, but the what-if's are still VERY real.

I've done testing, it all came back perfect, minus the MTHFR which my doctor said presented itself in so many people (I think 60% of people) that it wasn't a cause for concern. The only conclusion anyone has had was that Leah's stroke was a fluke. But, how do I know it won't happen again?!

On a different note, I need to take into consideration, Leah, when thinking about adding to our family. How will it effect her to have a typical (god willing) sibling close in age? Will it push her to do more or have the opposite effect? Will she resent us because she has these special needs and her sibling doesn't?

Maybe it's just going to take me more time to get used to the idea of having another baby at some point. Which is exactly the reason for us not expanding at this time, well that and Leah is only 16 months old...I want to enjoy her as my little baby for bit longer!! I just can't shake the fears and the thoughts that I have all the time. Before I had Leah, I dreamt of having a large family and slowly that idea is fading into the background. I hate that I'm letting my fears get the best of me, but I just don't know what else to do.

I know a lot of you that read this blog have thought about expanding (or have expanded) your families...so I'm curious of your thoughts? How have you gotten past the fears? What tests did you have? Before we even consider trying, I need to know that I've done everything I could to prevent this from happening again.

Thanks for letting me vent! With all the happiness that I feel for all of my dear friends, I can't help but feel that bit of sadness for us.

Anniversary

One year ago, I remember thinking that something was not right. I watched my little baby play on the floor and swat things with her right hand while her left hand just stayed still. At Leah's 4 month appointment with her pediatrician I decided to ask about it. He said that he didn't think it was anything but that we should get it looked at by an OT and a PT. I'm so grateful that he didn't brush us off and promptly got us a script for a therapy evaluation.

After that day, our lives changed. We were thrown into a world of doctors and therapies, of braces and splints, of CT scans and casting. It all happened so fast. After the evaluation, I jumped on the internet and saw things that I never thought I would see. I remember calling my husband crying and telling him I thought she had some kind of genetic disease and I remember calling my mom crying and telling her I found something else that it could be. I searched and cried and searched and cried, until I couldn't search and cry anymore. That week I cried more tears then I have ever cried in my life.

After we saw the OT and PT, we were refereed to a neurologist. I've never been as scared in my life as I was to go into that appointment. Before the appointment, I remember calling our pediatrician and asking him what he thought it could be. He said so matter-of-factly, oh it could be a brain bleed or a stroke. I remember thinking, A WHAT!?! My sweet baby, bleeding in her brain or having a stroke!

The neurologist was wonderful and very reassuring, she said that she wanted Leah to either have a CT scan or an MRI. We obviously opted for the CT scan, as with the MRI she would have to be put under. The neurologist said as long as they can read the results clearly on the CT scan we wouldn't have to do an MRI. After the CT scan, we left and a few days later we go a phone call that changed everything.

"Hello, can I speak to Amanda"

"Yes, this is"

"Hi, this is Dr. H, Leah's Neurologist"


"Yes..." The tears are running down my face.

"We got the results of Leah's CT scan, it turns out your daughter had a stroke, sometime in-utero."

...breath Amanda, breath... Stop crying and form words, you new this was a possiblity and no matter how hard you prayed that it wouldn't be reality, it is...get yourself together....

"Ok, Dr., what does this mean for her?"

"We'd like for you to come in again and we can't discuss, but definitely get her into therapy as soon as possible."
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Within 10 minutes of that conversation my pediatrician called us as well and told us he was faxed over the results of the CT scan.

We started OT weekly and Leah has progressed from there.

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When I think about those early days, I'm filled with those early emotions. The emotions ranging from pure and utter sadness to anger and heartbreak. I was down so far and I didn't know how I would get up. My daughter had a stroke, I thought the world was ending.

Little did I know, that Leah was a fighter. She won't let a stroke stop her. My emotions have drastically changed within this year. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm sad, but my smiles and happiness far out way the sad times. My daughter is strong. She will be able to do whatever she puts her mind too. I can't wait to look back on the anniversary of the day we got the news, in 5 years and see how amazing Leah is doing.

Active Grasp

I'm so pleased with Leah's progress lately. I truly believe she is doing great things. She has surpassed my expectations for her large motor skills and is really perfecting her walking.

She has consistently had issues with her awareness and overall use of her left hand. She just didn't really care that much and got away with doing things one-handed. Recently, she has really become much more aware, it's almost at if the light-bulb turned on and she was like, hey look at this another hand! She holds things, such as a ball, with two hands now. She is always touching her left hand with her right and the other night during dinner she was putting spaghetti onto her hand and eating it off of it. It's nice to finally see her incorporating "lefty"! I've waited a long time to see even a hint of awareness!

Now, my concern is an active grasp. Leah tries so hard to put things in her left hand and she still can't figure out the opening and closing part. It's heartbreaking to watch because I know she gets it and she'll look at me when her hand doesn't open. It's almost like she is questioning why she can't do it. We work all the time on trying to get her to open her hand and grasp something, but she still hasn't mastered it. I can honestly say that once I see her do it, I will breathe a big sigh of relief. I know I shouldn't compare but I see so many hemi-kids grabbing things with their effected hand and I can't help but wondering when and if Leah will get to that point?

We do plan to cast Leah again in about 2 months. I'm hoping that will help her with her active grasp.

So, I'm curious if anyone has any great tricks to help us help Leah, we'd love to hear them! Also, any recommendations for amazing two-handed toys that help with grasp, would be great!

Gym Class!

Leah started taking gym class about 2 weeks ago, at a place called My Gym. At first I wasn't in love with the class, but seeing all the great things they allow Leah to do, I'm sold! That and the fact that Leah LOVES it and cries every time we leave!

The class starts off with stretches (love the arm and leg stretches), then they set up different activities for the kids--bars, swings, balance beam, tumbling and so on. After the set activities, they have separation time, where the parents step back and let the kids interact with each other and the teachers. It's so cute! I love watching Leah play! To end the class they usually bring out a puppet and tell a story, then we sing our good-bye song!

I love that it's therapy without it having to be "therapy". Leah's OT and PT love that she is getting into it and really enjoying it! And Leah especially loves it, because it's fun!

Here are a couple videos of her walking into gym class last week!

Flashback Friday!

Leah--2.5 months old

Potty Time!

We've decided to start getting Leah used to the potty. We do NOT expect her to be potty trained yet, but we like the idea of her getting used to the potty. Our goal would be to have her fully trained by the start of the school year. The school she will be going too, will 100% take her, but that would be our goal. So, we'll see how she does with it! Right now, she loves to sit on the potty! Our basement bathroom is monkey themed (when we moved, I made it monkey themed especially for potty training!) and Leah loves to see the little monkey that holds the toilet bowl brush! She sits on the potty, which faces the monkey, and just talks to him the whole time! She would sit there forever telling the monkey a story! No pressure for Leah, but she seems to enjoy it and I think she looks too cute sitting there! :)

"Look Mom, TWO hands!"

Last week, Leah had the best OT session in a long time! Her OT kept saying that once she walking more her OT sessions would get better and sure enough they did! Let's hope it continues to progress! I've been seeing "lefty" do some pretty awesome things lately, so that is great!

As for walking--I'm still hesitant to call it that--Leah is doing great though! She has amazing control of her balance! She will go about 10-15 steps before loosing control! I love watching her walk! It's just too cute!