Monday, February 9, 2009

Another Baby...

(Disclaimer: I am not pregnant! Just wanted to make sure that is loud and clear! :))

I feel very lucky to have found an amazing group of friends in my community. They are all young couples, with one child. Avi and I pretty much fit right in when we first moved here. I love that we get together on the weekends as families,I have playdates with the stay at home mommies during the week, our husbands play softball and basketball together and our kids will grow up together. It has just worked out beautifully.

We all have children that are different ages, ranging from 3 to 3 months. Naturally, the progression would be to start adding on to our familles. So, that is what is happening now. I have quite a few of my friends who are now expecting their second child. (In the process of writing this blog, I got a phone call that another friend is expecting!) I'm thrilled for them, but I can't help but feel a bit jealous.

Leah is 16 months now, I don't think we are in the position for another baby right now (of course, if it happened we would be thrilled). Not only do I think that we are not in the position for another baby, but I don't think that I am emotionally ready for one.

Honestly, I am terrified. I am so afraid of carrying another baby and having something happen to that child. I am so jealous that my pregnant friends don't have these fears. While, I'm certain that they have some fears, they all have typical first children, so now they are pregnant and are blissfully taken to their happy place. I loved being pregnant with Leah (minus the morning, noon and night-sickness), I enjoyed it and was at that happy place. I just don't know if I'll be able to get there with my next pregnancy. I can only imagine that my fears would get the best of me. I find some comfort in knowing that I will be high-risk and monitored closely, but the what-if's are still VERY real.

I've done testing, it all came back perfect, minus the MTHFR which my doctor said presented itself in so many people (I think 60% of people) that it wasn't a cause for concern. The only conclusion anyone has had was that Leah's stroke was a fluke. But, how do I know it won't happen again?!

On a different note, I need to take into consideration, Leah, when thinking about adding to our family. How will it effect her to have a typical (god willing) sibling close in age? Will it push her to do more or have the opposite effect? Will she resent us because she has these special needs and her sibling doesn't?

Maybe it's just going to take me more time to get used to the idea of having another baby at some point. Which is exactly the reason for us not expanding at this time, well that and Leah is only 16 months old...I want to enjoy her as my little baby for bit longer!! I just can't shake the fears and the thoughts that I have all the time. Before I had Leah, I dreamt of having a large family and slowly that idea is fading into the background. I hate that I'm letting my fears get the best of me, but I just don't know what else to do.

I know a lot of you that read this blog have thought about expanding (or have expanded) your I'm curious of your thoughts? How have you gotten past the fears? What tests did you have? Before we even consider trying, I need to know that I've done everything I could to prevent this from happening again.

Thanks for letting me vent! With all the happiness that I feel for all of my dear friends, I can't help but feel that bit of sadness for us.


kara said...

Big hugs to you Amanda! I know it is not the same for us because we already had a child when we had Addie, but most of the time, any thought of having another baby is not really considered for us. We were undecided if Addie would be our last but once we found out about her special needs, I began to think there is no chance we are going to have another, for many reasons. But as time has gone by, the thought has slowly began to resurface again, and sometimes I don't think it would be a bad idea. Don't get me wrong I would worry, but I think you always do. With both my pregnancies, I was high risk, and worried alot. I think you are doing all you can to try to prevent this or anything else from happening, it is just always a leap of faith. You will know when the time is right, you will feel it!

I totaly understand the jealousy, I feel it every time I hear someone is pregnant.
Hang in there!!

mandy said...

Amanda, Totally understand! When we found out we were pregnant with #2 I was very nervous and scared! Will something happen again with this next one? Can I do anything to stop it? i have to keep praying and asking God to give me His peace and trust He is in control! (Also we used a ace bandage for Drew's arm)

Popcorn House said...

Since we are done having kids, I don't have any great advice. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you, and things have a way of just working themselves out.

Erin said...

Amanda I have the same exact fears and more too. We were one of the first to have a baby but some of our friends are pregnant or about to or already had there second.

I to feel Sean may resent us because he needs more time and attention and I don't want to take that away from him. I know I will get over the fear at some point but it has only been a year since we found out some stuff that is wrong and I feel it still is unraveling right now too. Hugs and we need to get together!